A few days ago, I stumbled upon a video in YouTube. I realize, I have been stumbling upon a lot of videos these days. Well, what would a huge ass procrastinator do in his self applied free time during an indefinite lockdown? Exactly. Anyway, the video was titled “You can’t touch anything”. You can find it in the channel named “Vsauce”. I really like the host of the video, Michael Stevens. The way he introduces the channel and himself and goes on explaining some really cool facts, is quite engaging. The way he mentions few facts at the beginning, seems random and unrelated, but as you keep watching, it all comes together and makes sense and then you get the ‘Ah!’ moment. Truth be told, the way I write stuff, I am highly inspired by the way Michael talks about his subject. If you’ve watched his videos and read my previous chapters, you will see what I mean.
Anyway, in that particular video, the fact that blew my mind was basically the title of that video. Apparently, we have never touched anything ever entirely. Whatever feeling we get upon touching any surface, it’s actually the repulsive force between the outermost electrons of both the surfaces. So even when you’re lying on your bed, your body is not exactly touching the bed. The repulsive forces of the outermost electrons between the surface of your body and the surface of your bed, doesn’t allow each other to come in contact. Hence, you’re technically hovering in mid-air. Isn’t that cool? Even when we cut a paper with a pair of scissors, the force of the scissors basically breaks the electro-static bond between the clusters of molecules. The bond is certainly weaker than the repulsive force of the outermost electrons of both the scissors and the paper. That force creates a void between the cluster of molecules of the paper, tearing the paper into pieces. So basically, there must be a force with high enough energy that can make particles break bonds among themselves. Be it any bond, the physical ones that I mentioned above, chemical ones like ionic or covalent bonds (relax it’s not your chemistry class), or even bonds that are build among entities, slightly larger and massive than atoms. The relationship bond between humans, which can also be broken with a force named as “Miscommunication”. I realize it might seem like I’ve understated the size and mass difference of atoms and humans. But trust me, the ratio of size and mass difference of atoms to humans is much smaller compared to the ratio of size and mass difference of humans to the observable universe. I have a calculation to support the statement, which I will present upon further enquiry.
For now, let’s proceed with the seemingly random topic. I assure you, I will pull off a Vsauce.
Communication is the fundamental key to sustain the bond between any two living organism. It’s basically the process which involves an exchange of data that helps living organism survive in the harshest of climate. While it is undoubtedly true for sentient beings like us, some of us tend to ignore the importance of the process of communication and then spiral down to the dark alley of depression, which, unfortunately, leads to suicidal tendencies, more than often. Most of them get help and snap out of it, while others just snap. And then there are those, who just stay ignorant, but let’s not talk about them, for the moment.
For the moment, let’s highlight a particular relationship that, I feel, needs to have more transparency, in the way of communicating with the fellow participants. Miscommunication or rather zero communication creates a void in all relationships. These days that void is referred to as “Generation gap” and therefore it gets primarily ignored. By now, you could guess that I’m talking about the relationship bond of parents and their children. For the sake of convenience, from here onwards, I would refer to the relationship as “P-C”.
In one of my chapters, I mentioned how we get attached to our beliefs emotionally and how challenging it becomes for us to understand something that contradicts with them, let alone accepting them. That emotional attachment to one’s beliefs, brings complication which acts as a whetstone for the bond breaking pair of scissors that cuts through the delicate fabric of P-C relationship. I guess, the majority of us go through a phase of life where our frustrated self raises a question that goes something like, “Ma and Pa, me no understand, why?” I apologize for the nonsensical arrangement of the inquisitive phrase, but that’s what we sound like when we try to say our thoughts out loud in front of our parents. The reason being, either we are not fully confident about the subject of interest or our parents are just prejudiced. Sometimes it’s both.
For the record, that nonsensical phrase makes complete sense if we disregard the proper grammar. You know what, don’t get me started with grammar. Let’s move on.
Prejudice is a preconceived idea and false notion about a subject. When that subject is brought up by the voice of an inexperienced one and when the listeners are relatively experienced folks, the subject gets downgraded. Both of the sides lack the inability to listen to one another and lack the effort to try to understand each other’s reasoning. The problem lies in our depreciative attitude towards listening.
Listening, sadly, is considered as a talent these days. It is supposed to be considered as a habit. When I took up my course of acting in an acting school, the first lesson that was taught to me was to listen. At that time, I thought, “All the great actors must have an immense capacity to listen to everything”. I hadn’t realized that the thing we were asked to do was nothing so over the top or that it doesn’t require any special ingredient or any acting course, for that matter. Honestly, it was quite recent when I figured out that a little ounce of patience, focus and the restraint to keep my own mouth shut for few seconds are the key to become a good listener. Funny thing is, it is so innate in nature, and so obvious, even though I overlooked the innateness of it. What I’m saying is, instead of trying to follow the mantra of “Listen first, respond later”, we instinctively go the other way. Sometimes in a conversation, we tend to let go of our focus, when the other person is speaking. At first, we do listen to whatever they are saying, but then some words trigger us to venture down a memory lane and we can’t help but ride our carriage on it. This phenomenon has a name. We call it, “Zoning out”. We get so indulged within our own thoughts, our own version of reality of any given situation, we completely ignore the thoughts of the words spoken out loud by the other person in the room. This is more common than you would think. I am ashamed to admit it, but even I get zoned out sometimes, while reading a book or watching a video. Maybe you zoned out while reading one of my chapters. Maybe, you are zoned out now. If you are, HELLO! GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR TOM. SNAP OUT OF IT!
But then, videos can be rewound, we can watch them again. Paragraphs can be re-read and so it can be done with an entire book. But the moment is gone. It can’t be brought back. This habit of zoning out is the arch rival of conscious listening. Frankly, I have seen people zoning out and acting as if they didn’t. I noticed the behavioral change within me, thus I can tell. But I have seen it happening to mostly people of my age group and even the younger ones. Now you might be wondering, how is this relevant with the topic of P-C relationship?
Patience, baba, patience!
Well, to break out of this habit of zoning out, we have to start to build up a habit of listening. I mean really listen to a person. The words are floating up there, but beneath the words, there is a massive chunk of subtext which is not spoken out loud but it is there. Subtext doesn’t necessarily mean some alternate thought or some “deep shit”. It means an experience, that is there, but it needs to be understood without the help of words. Although I agree, that often there are no subtexts. That is the case with people who are good with communication and are comfortable with the environment they are in. But what happens when someone doesn’t feel comfortable in the environment they are in, and they don’t have enough communication skills to begin with? Well, they need proper listening.
I fear, the zoning out phenomenon would stay within some of us, if not acknowledged. This would lead to utter ignorance and prejudiced notions. Although the level of zoning out might not be strong enough to guide the memory from the present moment to somewhere else, it might be still there in other form which would involve not listening consciously. It is important enough to acknowledge because it not only affects us in a bad way, but it also affects the people around us, especially those with whom we are close and get influenced by us from their own inception. Exactly, our children. The future race of humanity and its progress depends on the basic nature of us listening to our children and of course them listening to us. Too heavy for now? Don’t worry, we’ll get there.
I was, actually I still am, one of the fortunate ones whose upbringing led to maintain an open mind attitude towards things in general. Although there were some conflicts between me and my parents, which stemmed from either their preconceived ideas about things based on their experience, which I pointed out most of the time that it doesn’t necessarily make their ideas applicable in present scenarios, or in other cases, I was not mature enough to understand the implications of my actions, which they did and therefore tried to stop me. But regardless of anything, the common thing between our conflicts was the lack of communication. There was a lack of conviction from my side and prejudice from their side. Basically, we didn’t listen to each other when things heated up. That sometimes led few topics to a zone where both sides would find uncomfortable to visit. Later, that zone created a void between the two generations. This is the infamous generation gap that I mentioned earlier. Having said that, both of my parents and I have no regret for any of those events. All things considered, that made me the person, who I am at this moment. I’m certainly thankful for that, to my parents. However, the generation gap is still there and as both of the participants of the P-C relationship are moving ahead with time, the gap is moving with it. How would I like to fix the gap? Simple. I would make a bridge of understanding.
After reaching a certain age, I believe, it is our responsibility, not just as a child for our parents, but as a contributor to human development, to introduce our parents with our perspective of the world, with our set of beliefs, and with our understanding of popular trends and culture. It is our responsibility to help them understand the prejudice they hold against certain lifestyle choices that they used to witness during their youth, which includes simple things like eating habits, modernized concept of drinking, illegal smoking (or so they say) or “hush-hush” topics of sexual preferences. Personally, I am yet to have a conversation on my points of view about marriage and my no-child policy. My father says that I am confused and has postponed the topic for some other time. Only time will tell, how that conversation will turn out.
But that is me taking a step towards building a bridge. That bridge will only be half made, if I do all the work. It will be considered a complete one, when my parents let go of their prejudices and at least understand my reasoning, or as I said earlier, my subtexts. Acceptance will take time, but by then, the bridge will be fully built and it will revive the bond that circumstances had broken or weakened once, which created the generation gap.
Hence, with irrefutable evidence, I can claim that honest conversations between the participants of the P-C relationship is all it takes to strengthen the bond. Communication is evidently an undermined necessity. Look, it doesn’t take the brain of Einstein to acknowledge the fact that upon such bonding, values can be transferred much more easily. Right? Those values, in time, would add up to contribute to the welfare of the society, which if extrapolated, would end up to be the welfare of the whole world. That is the reason why it is said that “Being a parent is a privilege.” A privilege that is not to be translated as a free will or basic human right. Unfortunately, the understanding of the privilege is not taken seriously.
Upon speculations about upbringing and parenthood, a friend of mine, Ayush Agarwal, whom I thanked in the Acknowledgment page, brought up the pre-requisites that should be fulfilled before bringing a child to this world. He said that parents must be able to sacrifice 21 years of their lives for the sake of the upbringing of their children and devote themselves completely on the process. Those 21 years should be divided in 3 parts where in each part, respectively, the child’s physical, emotional and moral well being should be established. He also mentioned on how physically, emotionally, morally and financially one needs to be equipped to take up the responsibility. I fully support this idea. I know this thing will raise a lot of eyebrows and will be criticized on the basis of various factors. But there is an undeniable truth hidden behind the idea. Anyone criticizing the idea, just visit the slums of Mumbai, visit the lower echelon of the society and see what the children go through on their daily lives. The future of our society should not look like the way it looks like now.I realize I may have gone a little astray from the subject at hand, but I felt this is right chapter to bring it up and so I did.
Anyway, as I was saying, I believe the bond between the P-C relationship needs to maintain the strength than any other bonds, because that’s how nature intended it to be. How?
You see our primary ingredient are a sperm cell and an egg cell. Upon fertilization, they fuse together to be one unique life form. That life form takes about 9 months to build inside a mother’s womb. All kinds of chemical reactions take place in there. Therefore, there’s definite involvement of fundamental particles of matter interacting with each other. The way, the fundamental particles are connected there, our parents and our children are the only people that we’ve come the closest to actually touching. In the words of Michael Stevens of Vsauce, “… and that is touching!”
And as always, thanks for reading.
P.S: Vsauce fans will know what I did there.
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